Just because it’s set to be one of the best days of your life doesn’t mean it will come without pressure or stress. Chartered Clinical Psychologist Dr Azucena Guzman talks over how to handle the difficult situations that’ll crop up as you count down to saying ‘I do’
Joyful. Amazing. Happiest day of your life. That’s usually what comes to mind when we think about weddings. Flick through this magazine and you’ll be greeted by smiling faces and uplifting stories, because weddings are a hugely happy occasion – of course they are.
At the same time, however, they can take a hefty toll on your mental wellbeing. Emotions can run high, difficult conversations may need to be had, budgets can be stretched to breaking point, and all sorts of suppressed thoughts and feelings can bubble up in this new prenuptial territory you find yourself in.
So how do you get through it in one piece? Talking to a qualified psychologist, such as Dr Azucena Guzman, is one solution. She has spent 17 years in the field of clinical psychology, including seven as a lecturer at University of Edinburgh and ten in the NHS, and is the founder of AG Psychology Centre.
We caught up with her for a look at ways to look after yourself as you prepare to enter the next chapter of your life.
How do you cope with emotions when planning your wedding?
This really ought to go without saying, but we’re going to spell it out anyway: if you have any doubts at all about your spouse-to-be or about getting married, the sooner you act the better. “Make sure you are marrying the right person – that is key!” says Dr Guzman.
“You need a partner you can rely on. If they aren’t your rock, the person you can share your worries with, or actually can agree to disagree with, they might not be the right person for you.”
You’re going to experience a rollercoaster of emotions during the planning process, and just knowing this and being prepared for it will help, the psychologist believes: “Understand what you’re feeling. You can go from huge happiness after the engagement to stress because you’re making a lot of big decisions. Being present and aware of how you are feeling is a way to cope with this.”
How do you manage stress and money when wedding planning?
We all manage stress and emotions differently, but Dr Guzman suggests there is one method that should calm everyone down: “When you feel overwhelmed, I recommend working on your diaphragmatic breathing and repeat to yourself something like: ‘I inhale peace, I exhale worry’.”
Do men and women worry about different aspects of planning? It would seem so. “I have been interviewing people for a book I’m working on at the moment about wedding wellbeing and it seems clear that men tend to worry more about the budget, while women often feel they want to please everyone,” she says.
“It is crucial that you and your partner have an agreement of what your budget is as this will prevent arguments further down the line. And by clarifying how much you can spend, you’ll avoid falling into debt and all the extra anxiety that comes with that.”
Sleeping is an important tool in looking after yourself mentally. Check out these beauty sleep tips
How can you stop comparing yourselves to others?
How many times have you scrolled through social media, wishing you looked like the people on your screen or that your life looked like theirs? Well, you’re not alone in that – it’s one of the curses of the modern age.
And it can be exacerbated when you start looking at the glam, lavish weddings of the stars. So what can you do about those destructive feelings?
First of all, remember that comparing yourself to others is a common thing that many people do. “Put getting married to one side for the moment: what is your strategy for dealing with this?” asks Dr Guzman.
“Think about how you have lived life already without comparing yourself. The best advice I have is simply ‘you do you’ - there are loads of weddings out there and you and your partner are unique, so make sure you create a fun and loving atmosphere that will make your wedding memorable.”
She believes that overcoming such issues stems once again from being honest about how you’re feeling. “A situation like this comes back to regulating your emotions and improving interpersonal skills,” she says. “If you struggle, seek professional help to learn how to build distress tolerance and healthier coping mechanisms.”
Put things into perspective when wedding planning
“Apart from having your partner on your ‘team’, it is vital that you have a good network of support,” suggests Dr Guzman. “Having people, whether friends or family, who are supportive, loving and calm is so important. You don’t want to ‘oblige’ people to do things for you, you want to have someone who really shares your excitement.”
But try to see things from others’ point of view too. Yes, planning your wedding is perhaps the most important thing in your life right now, but it’s unlikely to be the most important thing in their lives. Being aware of this will help avoid a lot of misunderstandings.
“I’ve witnessed situations where the bride has told me that her sister doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid,” recalls the psychologist. “Well, I say, don’t force anything. It is crucial that you accept people as they are. You are very excited for your day, but that doesn’t mean others will feel exactly the same as you.
"People also have their own lives to lead. Of course you can be excited and have these conversations with your loved ones, and you need to respect the fact that they have their own things going on too.”
How to look after yourself mentally when wedding planning?
How do you look after yourself when stressed out by dress shopping, suppliers who ignore your emails and guests who won’t RSVP? The answer: self-care – and we don’t just mean a facemask and some cucumber slices on your eyelids.
“Self-care goes beyond the facials and bubble baths,” agrees Dr Guzman. “Be careful with critical or negative thoughts. The way you talk to yourself during this process can have an impact. Sometimes brides and grooms can be very hard on themselves and try to be perfectionists. Instead, say things like ‘I can manage this’ and ‘I’m beautiful the way I am’.”
Getting enough sleep and exercise are essential parts of your routine too.
Take the 'no one size fits all' approach when wedding planning
“This probably needs an article in itself, because there is a lot of pressure to look a certain way,” believes Dr Guzman. “But as long as you feel comfortable and beautiful in your wedding attire, that’s all that matters.”
However, if you are struggling, she suggests looking into support from a professional. “Certain behaviours can cause a lot of issues in the lead-up to the wedding – sometimes people become so obsessed with fitting into a certain size of dress or looking a certain way that they stop eating a healthy diet.
"Remember that fluctuating hormones and high stress levels can have an impact on your weight: do what you can to take very good care of yourself,” she emphasises.
“If you are struggling with eating behaviours, it can be worthwhile reaching out to a qualified dietician or psychologist for assessment. If you want to look good and feel good, I totally encourage that, but you have to do it in a healthy way.”
Looking to keep those pre-wedding jitters under control? Check out these 11 tips to overcome wedding anxieties
How do I respond to someone when you disagree?
Always try to start from the assumption that your family want the best for you – that’s why they are so keen to give their thoughts and opinions on whatever aspect of the wedding planning is under discussion.
“All you can control is how you respond if they say something you disagree with,” stresses Dr Guzman. “It is about learning how to avoid taking things personally, but also knowing how to communicate assertively. Share your point of view and listen to others, but try to reach a consensus without conflict. For example, counting to ten before you answer is a practical way to give yourself time to reflect before you say (…).”
How will these coping strategies help in the lead up to the wedding?
“Weddings are all about joy, but there will undoubtedly be tears along the way. We all manage things differently and there is no ‘one size fits all’ method. Consider applying some of these coping strategies, you’ll go a long way towards having a wonderful wedding day – and enjoying the weeks and months leading up to it,” smiles Dr Guzman. “Please take care of your wellbeing and potentially reach out for professional help if that is something you think you would benefit from too.”
What if I need urgent help?
If you are in a crisis and need urgent support, you can contact some of the below charities and helplines:
Shout 85258 giveusashout.org
Mind 0300 123 3393 mind.org.uk
Samaritans 116 123 samaritans.org
Breathing Space 0800 838 587 breathingspace.scot
